So a Khajit, an Argonian, and an Orc Walk Into a Skooma Den...

Now legal in the Ratway, the alley behind the Winking Skeever, and Washington State.

 ...and get totally blasted on skooma.

Ah yes, sweet, sweet skooma... sweet, mind-numbing, haze-inducing, brain-cell-slaughtering skooma. Loathed by uptight Imperial soldiers everywhere in Cyrodiil, you can find plenty of it while wandering the wilds of Skyrim. Buy it at any Khajit caravan, from random skooma dealers encountered on the road, or - best of all - make your own with this Real Life Skooma Recipe!

I did - and I will openly, immediately admit that this is a really weird recipe with a really odd mix of flavors. It's not for the faint of stomach or frail of liver. It's not going to be to everyone's taste. But it's as canon as anything else Lexi and I have concocted for this blog, and if you're a diehard Skyrim fan with Daedric-strength tastebuds, give this one a shot.

Skooma in-game is made from refined moon sugar. A book from Morrowind, An Alchemist's Guide to Skooma, describes the recipe in greater detail (I would seriously love to meet the game designer who wrote it). In developing my own recipe, I started with the following descriptions from the book:

In Elsweyr skooma is made from moon sugar and a poisonous herb called nightshade... the preparation of skooma requires that the alchemist dissolve some moon sugar in water and bring it to the boil. For one pint of water you should add one cup of moon sugar. Once it is boiling, add one thimble full of nightshade essence.

That right there, my friends, is simple syrup with powdered nightshade added. Straightforward, basic, and something Lexi and I have done before, in our recipes for Elsweyr Fondue and the Velvet Lachance. Reasoning that trying to make simple syrup using our own moon sugar recipe might cause some issues with melting, I fell back on the variation we came up with for the fondue:

MOON SUGAR SIMPLE SYRUP
1 cup granulated white sugar
1 cup water
1-2 Tbsp of lavender or culinary sumac

Boil sugar in water. Stir until sugar dissolves. Remove from heat immediately and add lavender or culinary sumac to taste, usually 1 or 2 Tbsp. Let cool. (If you make with lavender, we recommend straining before use to get the lavender bits out.)

Left: Sumac Simple Syrup (Secunda)
Right: Lavender Simple Syrup (Masser)

With the Velvet Lachance, we solved the issue of where we might get nightshade; the nightshade family is vast, and there are, in fact, quite a few edible plants within it: tomato and eggplant are some examples, but for spice and kick we went with peppers. And oh, there are sooo many to choose from... which ones to use?

Clockwise, starting with the fresh red pepper on the left: Thai pepper, chipotle powder, ancho chili powder, cayenne chili powder, crushed jalapeno peppers, Aleppo pepper (center), Guajillo pepper (long purplish dried pepper), Sanaam chili pepper (bottom)

This is where the flavor really comes into this recipe, and where you can go hog wild, picking and choosing as many (or as few) peppers as you wish. And I highly encourage readers to experiment on your own: we came up with flavors we liked, but there are so many more possible variations out there. Here's the basic recipe:

SKOOMA
4-6 oz. simple syrup
A pinch to a teaspoon of peppers (crushed, minced, dried, powder, a mix of peppers or a single variety)
Vodka

Mix the peppers into the simple syrup. Let sit for an hour or two. Strain. Mix with an equal part vodka, over ice or as straight shots. Lose your mind and yowl like a horny desert cat at the moon's dim light.

TIPS:

• Lavender has a stronger flavor than sumac, so will stand up to the stronger peppers.
• Don't let your base mixture sit for very long. Either drink it right away, or strain out the pepper after an hour (2 hours tops). If you let it sit, it tastes terrible.
• Fresh peppers have a milder flavor than powdered (at least the ones we tried), but may have more heat.
• Combinations that worked reasonably well were lavender and chipotle, lavender and Guajillo pepper, sumac and Aleppo pepper, and sumac and Thai pepper.
• Don't drink this without cutting it with vodka (or gin, if you want something sweeter and fruitier). It's too cloyingly sweet without being diluted.
• Goes well with Elsweyr Fondue and a need to erase the bleak lawlessness of Skyrim from your mind.

May Wine

NOTE: This post was originally posted in 2011.  It's such a great recipe and so timely for the season that we're giving it a bump.

For a number of years, Lexi and I have made our own variation on May wine as a way of heralding the arrival of spring. Traditionally associated with Beltane or Mayday, it's a light, white wine infused with the fresh flavor of sweet woodruff.

Galium odoratum, Sweet Woodruff

Sweet woodruff is a perennial ground cover with bright green leaves. It grows well in shady, moist soil, and will take over your garden if not kept in check. Every year, sometime around the end of April, it puts out little stalks with lovely, sweet-scented white flowers, which stay in blossom through May. The plant smells like fresh cut grass, due to the presence of coumarin (the same stuff that gives vanilla and lavender their own fresh smell).

Both Lexi and I have quite a bit of sweet woodruff growing in our respective gardens. This year, my plants had the fortune of blooming first, so I brought a few sprigs down to the beach house to mix up a bottle of May wine.

May wine

INGREDIENTS
A few flowering sprays of sweet woodruff (more flower than leaf, though a few leaves are OK)
A bottle or two of dry White wine (rhines or dry rieslings work well)
Honey (optional)

Don't wash the flowers, even if they have aphids on them. Use flowers that haven't been sprayed with pesticides or grown too close to a highway since you won't be washing them. The pollen is much of what gives this drink its flavor so you don't want to wash it off. Filter the wine through cheesecloth before decanting to get rid of any unwanted detreius or bugs.

DIRECTIONS
Mix 1/2 cup of honey into each bottle of wine at room temperature. (I usually drink a half glass of the wine, both for quality control and to make enough room to add the honey and mix right in the bottle.) Add 4 or 5 sprigs of woodruff flowers to each bottle. Cap or recork and refrigerate overnight. Serve in a smallish glass, 1 or 2 oz. Best served the next day, but will keep in the fridge for 4 or 5 days.

WARNING: Sweet woodruff may be toxic at high doses due to the coumarin. As with any recipe or food mentioned in this blog, CONSUME AT YOUR OWN RISK. When in doubt, throw it out.

Do not let the plants sit in the wine for more than 12 hours; be sure to filter and decant within 12 hours to prevent the coumarin level from getting too high.

A light, flowery drink that goes well with light, flowery snacks: seasonal fruits, small cakes, creamy, herby cheeses, and spring salads.

Cherry Bounce 26 Weeks Later

Household Private Reserve

Last August, our first sojourn was made into the land of Cherry Bounce. The backstory is that we took 50+ pounds of pie cherries and made gallons upon gallons of cordial.

The trick to a good cordial is to not make it too sweet, and let it sit for months and months while the flavors magically develop. Made in July, we popped it open just before Christmas and were happy to find it to be incredible. It doesn't taste like cherry candy - instead it tastes just like fresh cherries. You can't buy this stuff in stores, and it goes down waaaaay to easily.

Brave Little Soldiers, Ready to Fight on the side of Alcoholism!

We were working over a steaming stove until midnight on Christmas Eve to get it all bottled and sealed in time for the family get together the next day, as everyone was getting Bounce for presents. Cute 4oz bottles - Check. Corks - Check. Labels - Check. Ribbon - Check. Sealing Wax - Check (after a long and arduous treck to every beer shop in the area!). Of course, we were bolstered along by generous libations from our own private reserve.

Left to Right: Bourbon, Brandy, Rum, Vodka

Here's the verdict on the different flavors:

Spices: The spiced versions came out too strong, and definitely tasted better as boozy cherries than in the cordials proper. I've gone back to revise the original recipe and cut way down on the amount of spices.

Vodka: The clear winner. The bounce is a gorgeous bright cherry red and has that fresh-picked cherry taste. This produced the least interesting boozy cherries. All the color and flavor ended up in the cordial and these bland little pale gobs of fruit were left over.

Rum: Lots of folks liked the rum, but it remided me of cherry cough syrup. If I do it again, I'll use spiced rum and half the amount of sugar. The Boozy cherries are good but pretty tart, so don't work as well in mixed drinks. They're great over ice cream.

Brandy: Lovely, complex and a bit spicy. This was my second favorite as it had a good spice-sweet-tart balance. It's a very dark red cordial, and works well with just a drop of spice in it. It's very a very Christmasey taste. These boozy cherries were definitely the best; rich and flavorful.

Bourbon: I thought I would love this more but it really just tastes like cherry flavored whiskey. It's okay, and the boozey cherries are okay, but at the end of the day it was kinda meh unless you're crazy for cherry flavored bourbon.

Next year we're going to make MASSIVE AMOUNTS of bounce and try other flavors too: peach, blackberry, blueberry, the list goes on. Tart fruits taste best, so we have high hopes for the plum and blackberry versions.

Cherry Bounce (Cherry Cordial)

This post has been removed.  Sorry!  See our post on the finished Cherry Bounce here.

Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster Recipe

For New Year's we had an absolutely smashing good time down at the family beach house. We spent four days doing nothing but cooking, eating, drinking, watching scifi flicks, and generally indulging in a luscious gastrogasm of all things delectable. To start the deluge of deliciousness, I thought I'd post my recipe for a geek classic: the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

The Best Bang Since the Big One.

Fans of quirky britcoms, scifi, and general geekdom will recognize the PGGB from the late great Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 5-book trilogy. Drunken geeks the world over have formulated redactions based on the recipe laid out on the first page of chapter two:

• Take the juice from one bottle of the Ol' Janx Spirit.
• Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V -- Oh, that Santraginean water... Oh, those Santraginean fish!
• Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzine is lost). 
• Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it, in memory of all those happy hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia.
• Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odors of the dark Qualactin Zones, subtle, sweet, and mystic.
• Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian Suns deep into the heart of the drink.
• Sprinkle Zamphour.
• Add an olive.
• Drink... but... very carefully...

Drunken geeks that we are, this is our redaction. With action poses shot by Lexi!

You will need:
2 parts Bushmill's Whiskey (that Ol' Janx Spirit)
1 part Bombay Sapphire gin (water from the seas of Santraginus V)
A bunch of ice (cubes of Arcturan Mega-Gin)
4-6 parts Squirt, Sprite, or other suitably bubbly, lemony fizzy thing (Fallian Marsh gas)
Rumple Minze (Qualactin Hypermint extract)
Sugar cubes and Triple Sec (the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger)
Yellow or orange sprinkly baking sugar (Zamphour)
Lemon slices (or an olive if you really do want to be canon)
A big pitcher
Several teaspoons

Instructions
About a half an hour or so before mixing up your drinks, put the spoons in the freezer. (Seriously.) Then schmooze with your guests, noshing on finger foods and exotic appetizers while you slice the lemons thinly and set out drink glasses. I recommend making a big production of this one, as it's a dramatic drink with a great back story.

Mix the first four ingredients in a big pitcher (whiskey, gin, ice, and soda). Ratios are approximate - adjust as your tastes desire. This recipe is very much a work in progress and I've been trying to work out the best balance of whiskey to lemon flavor. It's getting better all the time...

Pour the mixture into lowball glasses, one for each guest. Guests who drink more than one are either very foolhardy or very brave (or both).

Fizzy, lemony, spirity magic!

Remember those spoons you stuck in the freezer a half an hour ago? Go get the spoons out now. Pour a tablespoon or so of Rumple Minze over the back of them into each glass.

Why? It just looks cool! Duh!

Pour out a small layer of Triple Sec into a dish or saucer. Dip sugar cubes in the Triple Sec and drop them, two at a time, into each drink.

Algolian Suntiger teeth

Sprinkle some of the cookie sugar into each drink. The sugar I'm talking about here is that sprinkly colored sugar you find in the baking aisle at the grocery store for topping off cupcakes and cookies. This doesn't really do much of anything to the flavor, but it can enhance the color a little and adds to the overall presentation.

Put a lemon slice in each drink. I know, I know, the book says "add an olive", which little fruit carries the historical weight of being the classic cocktail garnish for a stiff British martini - but frankly, the olive ruins it. The flavor is simply all wrong. So I break canon (yeah yeah yeah) and use lemon slices instead.

Breakin' canon, bitches!!

Drink... but... very carefully...

Having one too many of these really is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.

Cocktail: Citron Snaps

Aquavit Lemon Dill Cocktail

Herbal and tart, this cocktail tastes like a sunny summer afternoon and is best when consumed on a lakeshore in July. Aquavit cocktail recipes are rare, so I developed the recipe for a neighborhood night at a local watering hole in my historically-Scandinavian 'hood. The flavors are caraway, dill and lemon; if you like lemon drop martinis, this is for you. Only fresh lemon juice will do, and the same with the dill. Of course, you could use both plastic lemon and dried dill for that mm-mm plasticy ass taste.

Juice of 1/2 lemon
3 sprigs of fresh dill
1 large jigger caraway Aquavit (like Linie)
2-3 Tbl Simple Syrup (ratio of 2 parts sugar to 1 part water)

Add all the ingredients to a martini shaker with some ice. Shake HARD. Shake it like you mean it. Shake the living hell out of it. Shake it till it calls you Daddy. The idea is to bruise and break the dill with the ice so that it infuses the drink with flavor.

Pour into a chilled glass and serve.

Linie ad campaign, anyone?

Beach + Debauchery = Debeachery?

My family is fortunate enough to have the use of a wonderful beach house located on one of the myriad salty inlets in the region. Owned by my grandmother (venerable matriarch of the clan, and a majorly bitchin' gourmet cook in her own right), the house boasts spectacular views of the local terrain, not to mention a kickass kitchen that was remodeled a scant few years ago after a disastrous water leak. We've hosted many a family get-together there, not to mention quite a few parties of a rather more... adventurous nature.

It's one of my favorite places to cook, eat, and drink. The location right on the beach makes gathering shellfish easy: we can walk right out the door and collect mussels, oysters and clams, and have them shelled and cooking in a half an hour (longer for mussels, since they have to be cleaned and de-bearded). In good seasons we can also put the crab pot out and have fresh Dungeness, steamed in an old industrial-sized pot on the bulkhead two steps from the beach. A cold plunge in the salt sound after lunch and a bonfire after the sun goes down, and you've got a recipe for heaven.

Birthdays have been a favorite reason to celebrate. My family has hosted birthdays at the beach house for as long as I can remember, and the tradition continues, with friends old and new. There's always plenty of fun and games, but I have to admit that a big part of my visits there have to do with food - creating menus, cooking special dishes, mixing drinks, and just playing freely in the kitchen. One weekend we had a Kung Fu moviefest, and Lexi churned out a 12-course Chinese meal to die for. Other weekends have been one long surf-and-turf grillgasm from start to finish. Not long ago Lexi's significant other brought down a luscious, dark, homebrewed mocha stout for spouse's birthday, to go with ribs so delicious even I enjoyed them... and the list goes on.

These shots are from my 35th birthday (I won't tell you when that happened). They're an introductory sampling of the sort of fare in which we indulge at beach house parties. Trust me, there'll be more of these to come.

I'm a huge fan of Lexi's Angels on Horseback. She usually makes them with oysters, but here she did a variation: big, fat scallops wrapped in bacon, sprinkled with brown sugar and broiled. Yum!

More scallops (I think these ones were steamed with Old Bay seasoning, but I don't recall), along with steamed crayfish.

I think Lexi (and perhaps the spouse) invented this drink. It's called a Mertini. I don't remember what all exactly was in it, other than fruit and ice and some liqueur or other, plus a plastic mermaid. I don't think the recipe really had much to do with an actual martini, the name just worked out that way.