Key Lime Pie

Real Key Lime Pie Isn't Green. Nor is it baked.

I'm a total snob when it comes to this pie. It's got to be one of the easiest desserts ever, and whenever I go out and find some day-glo green whipped chiffon monstrosity masquerading as this pie, a little bit of me dies inside. There's just no excuse for ruining something so simple and so delicious. A good test for whether the pie is worthy of ordering at a restaurant is to ask how many ingredients are used in it. If the answer is more than four, then skip the pie - it's probably no good.

Key lime filling is really a very rich, uncooked pudding. Traditionally, this pie is done with a graham cracker crust but frankly, I think it's all wrong. The spices in the graham overwhelm and conflict with the fresh citrusy taste of the limes so here it's been replaced with a light shortbread crust that lets the tart, floral taste of the limes shine through.

Ingredients

Shortbread Crust (adaped from the Joy of Cooking, 1975)
1 C Butter
2 C Sifted All-Purpose Flour
1/2 C Sifted Powdered Sugar
1/4 tsp Salt
Fluted Tart Pan

Key Lime Filling
2 Cans Sweetened, Condensed Milk
6 Full Size Limes, or 8-12 key limes - enough to make a full Cup of lime juice.

Start with the crust. This is a VERY RICH PIE, so a thin little slice is about right - use a shallow tart pan instead of a full size pie tin for this one.

Mix the dry ingredients together in a large bowl.
Cream the butter (to soften it and make it easier to work with).
Add the creamed butter to the dry ingredients.
Mix together.

Depending on the temperature and humidity in your kitchen, the dough could look crumbly or come together in a smooth ball. Either is fine.

Press the dough into the tart pan, starting with the sides. Use your fingers to press it in, and keep it fairly thin - about 1/8 inch thick. Work it all the way around, then spread the rest of the dough to the same thickness on the bottom, using your fingers to press and seal it with the sides. Trim any excess from the top edge.

Shortbread Crust, full of little pricks and ready to get baked

Prick holes in the pie bottom to let the steam escape, and bake at 325 for 20-30 minutes, or until the crust is golden. Set aside to cool - you don't want cold pudding going into a hot crust or you'll get Key Lime Glop.

Once the crust is cooled, make the pudding. It only takes a few minutes, so don't start early. Tiny Key Limes are traditional for this pie, but they're a pain in the ass to work with and frankly, regular limes just taste better. I consider the "Key Lime" name to indicate where the pie hails from, not the ingredients.

The flavor is in the oils, and the oils are in the zest

Zest and juice the limes into a small ceramic, glass or plastic bowl. Making extra is a good idea, and don't skimp on the zest, it's the most important part.
Open the cans of milk and empty them into a large bowl.
Start by mixing half of the lime juice into the milk.
Taste it as you go and add more juice slowly.

As you stir, the lime juice and milk will react and thicken into a pudding before your very eyes! It's limey magic! As it thickens, add the rest of the lime juice and stir it in. If the pudding thickens and then starts to get runny, there's too much lime but you can add a little more canned milk to thicken it back up.

Pour the pudding into the crust, and voila! Done. It's really that easy.

Garnish with whipped cream if you like.

(As a side note, if you're having problems getting the pudding to set correctly, try adding 2 egg yolks to the mix and baking the pie at 350 for 15-20 minutes.)

Cherry Bounce 26 Weeks Later

Household Private Reserve

Last August, our first sojourn was made into the land of Cherry Bounce. The backstory is that we took 50+ pounds of pie cherries and made gallons upon gallons of cordial.

The trick to a good cordial is to not make it too sweet, and let it sit for months and months while the flavors magically develop. Made in July, we popped it open just before Christmas and were happy to find it to be incredible. It doesn't taste like cherry candy - instead it tastes just like fresh cherries. You can't buy this stuff in stores, and it goes down waaaaay to easily.

Brave Little Soldiers, Ready to Fight on the side of Alcoholism!

We were working over a steaming stove until midnight on Christmas Eve to get it all bottled and sealed in time for the family get together the next day, as everyone was getting Bounce for presents. Cute 4oz bottles - Check. Corks - Check. Labels - Check. Ribbon - Check. Sealing Wax - Check (after a long and arduous treck to every beer shop in the area!). Of course, we were bolstered along by generous libations from our own private reserve.

Left to Right: Bourbon, Brandy, Rum, Vodka

Here's the verdict on the different flavors:

Spices: The spiced versions came out too strong, and definitely tasted better as boozy cherries than in the cordials proper. I've gone back to revise the original recipe and cut way down on the amount of spices.

Vodka: The clear winner. The bounce is a gorgeous bright cherry red and has that fresh-picked cherry taste. This produced the least interesting boozy cherries. All the color and flavor ended up in the cordial and these bland little pale gobs of fruit were left over.

Rum: Lots of folks liked the rum, but it remided me of cherry cough syrup. If I do it again, I'll use spiced rum and half the amount of sugar. The Boozy cherries are good but pretty tart, so don't work as well in mixed drinks. They're great over ice cream.

Brandy: Lovely, complex and a bit spicy. This was my second favorite as it had a good spice-sweet-tart balance. It's a very dark red cordial, and works well with just a drop of spice in it. It's very a very Christmasey taste. These boozy cherries were definitely the best; rich and flavorful.

Bourbon: I thought I would love this more but it really just tastes like cherry flavored whiskey. It's okay, and the boozey cherries are okay, but at the end of the day it was kinda meh unless you're crazy for cherry flavored bourbon.

Next year we're going to make MASSIVE AMOUNTS of bounce and try other flavors too: peach, blackberry, blueberry, the list goes on. Tart fruits taste best, so we have high hopes for the plum and blackberry versions.

Red Dwarf Food: Drunken Fry-Up

Drunken Fry Up ...aka "The Full Monty"

Best between Midnight and 4:00 AM.

To qualify a meal as a Drunken Fry Up, two criteria must be met:
1. You must be drunk when you prepare it.
2. It must be some variant on the traditional English or Irish breakfast.

Red Dwarf makes references to the Drunken Fry Up here and there in episodes like Stasis Leak, Emohawk, and Thanks for the Memory. In keeping with the Lister Tradition, our weekend visits to Gwen's Old Family Canal Haus usually involve at least one evening with massive amounts of alcohol and a midnight fry up for 5 or 10 drunken geeks. It's amazing how much better baked beans taste in the middle of the night.

Suggested Ingredients:
Black Sausage, White Sausage, Back Bacon, Smoked Bacon, Bangers, Sausage, Kippers, Oysters, Baked Beans, Eggs, Oatcakes, Toast, Mushrooms, Tomatoes, Mashed or Fried Potatoes


Prep all of your ingredients ahead of time and set them by the stove. This is extra important if you're drunk enough to be dangerous with a knife: prep THEN drink.

Don't forget this Very Important Step

For the Oysters, use a standard cornmeal crust: dust in flour, dip in egg, roll in cornmeal or crushed saltine crackers. Pan fry them over medium heat in a little bacon grease (sub oil mixed with butter) until the crust is golden brown.

Another Very Important Step

Get the beans going over medium-low heat near the back of the stove; they'll take care of themselves. The kippers can be served at room temp straight from the can.

This might be a good time to get a helper

Heat a VERY LARGE frying pan (or all the frying pans)(I think). Start with the meats, especially the bacon. Use the bacon grease to fry up the eggs, mushrooms, oysters and tomatoes. This is an excellent time to find out what else tastes good cooked in bacon grease.

Time to try beer with bacon grease?

Pile the food on a plate. The percentage of food that actually makes it onto the plate is inversely proportional to the amount of alcohol you've had.