Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Skyrim Food That We'll Never Make


Gwen and I have been fielding some requests from readers, and seeing some requests posted on Skyrim forums around the intertoobs that we make some specific things from the land of Skyrim.  But there are some things that we will never make and you will never see on this site.  Here's why... 


1. Boiled Cream Treat

Because it's a fracking donut.  I can't believe how much discussion I've seen online about this.  "What is it?  Is it a bagel?  What could it be?  It's fascinating!"  Seriously?  WTF.  IT'S A DONUT.  We're not going to spend our time and effort recreating something you can buy at a grocery store for 49 cents.

You can read this two ways: "Boiled" + "Cream Treat", where the cream treat itself is boiled.  That's just stupid.  or "Boiled Cream" + "Treat".  Oh, boiled cream?  Like CUSTARD?! Or PUDDING?!  Tell me you've never made the kind of instant pudding at home where you have to heat the milk first.   In all fairness, those of you under the age of 20 may have only ever had instant pudding, but let this be the time you learn from Gramma Lexi about how things were in the olden days of 1995.  Oh wait - it's not that old.  You can buy it right next to the instant stuff right now.

How exotic and mysterious!

2. Sweetrolls

Sweetrolls are everywhere in Skyrim, and everyone wants to taste them, including us.  This is a legit recipe that's got some of its own interesting challenges, but frankly, it's been done.  To death.  We don't think the world needs yet another sweetroll recipe right now.  Other sites did it first.  And probably better. - The original and still Champeen!


3. Potage Magnifique

Because it's nasty.  It's a flour gravy filled with vegetables.  Potage was peasant food in the middle ages that people had to eat out of necessity that was bland and subsistence-only food.  It's also the in-game joke.  The 'Gourmet' who wrote the book Uncommon Taste can't cook.  His whole presence in the game is a parody of arrogant TV chefs and his recipes are bunk. This one is no exception.  Sunlight Souffle without the eggs?  That's not a typo, it's irony.

 IT'S A JOKE.  IT'S SUPPOSED TO TASTE LIKE ASS.  (Actually it looks like ass too)

BTW, this goes for all the rest of the recipes in Uncommon Taste as well.   Pfft.

4.  Boring, Common or Otherwise Uninspired Recipes

There's a lot of really interesting in-game food.  Aaaaaannnd... there's a lot that's not.  We're not going to make things like Beef Stew, Roast Chicken, or Clam Meat.  If it's got a clear real-life analogy, there are hundreds or even thousands of recipes out there that you can try.  What makes our cooking juices flow is the stuff nobody else is doing, or stuff that's super challenging.  While we might do a Horker Stew with pork and lavender sometime, we'll probably not post a recipe for a baked potato. 

So there you have it.  The Foods We'll Never Make.  As an aside, although we love Skyrim, we've been itching to get back to our bloggy cooking roots and do more food from things not Skyrim related.  There will be a few more Tamriel recipes, sure, but expect to see an increasing number of recipes from Britcoms, movies, cartoons and other geeky sources.  We can't be one-dimensional now, can we?


  1. Actually, Boiled Cream Treat is "Skolebrød", tasty and northern like hell...

    1. Well Played! Still fundamentally a donut. A Norwegian donut but still a donut.

      Would a donut by any other name still taste as sweet?

    2. Oh yeah, and don't you mean "northern like HEL"? Eh? Eh? See what I did there?

    3. Oh yes, donuts from the underworld.... She gives them to the dead as a welcome treat?!

    4. Well why not? It's not like the cholesterol would kill ya.

    5. actually all doughnuts hail from a dutch ancestry.once they realized that that these "nuts of dough" were under cooked in the middle they began putting holes in the middle of the doughnuts, or they filled them with fruits, nuts, or other fillings. which may explain the "boiled cream" in the treat.

    6. As a Norwegian myself I always though Boiled Cream Treat was Skyrims version of Skolebrød, or maybe a Solskinnsbolle. Also Skolebrød (and Solskinnsbolle) are not donuts. They are a sort of bun, made from sweet bread dough, and baked with vanilla cream in the middle.

    7. Yeah, you're probably right. When we wrote the post, it was more in response to all the exceedingly stupid commentary we were seeing online. Most Americans have never seen Skolebrod, but everyone's seen a cream donut and should recognize it. When people would comment "Oooh, is the whole thing boiled? Is it a bagel?" it was just dumb. Why would your brain go to 'bagel' before 'cream donut'? Jeebus.

    8. In Denmark we would probably call that a "Spandauer".. And it is nothing like a donut.. But then again a "spandauer" would be baked and not boiled.. "Skolebrød" wouldn´t be boiled either.. Or would it? I don't know???

    9. Donuts are round.
      All donuts are pastries.

      All round pastries are donuts, true or false?

  2. Um ... with the Sunlight Suffle, there are eggs in the method, as he tells you to separate the whites from the yolk ... he just doesn't list them in the ingredient's list :P

  3. least i ever taste grilled leeks and roasted chicken breast for my dinner

  4. Chaurus Pie please :-D
    although it might actually be quite good with lobster as substitute idk hahah

    1. Funny you should mention chaurus pie... I've actually thought about trying to create it, once I get my own kitchen again and a bit more time and space. And I was kind of wondering what I might use for the meat - lobster sounds like a pretty good possible substitute!